3 ideas for bad head days

...and one more idea for every day!

So 4 things, really.

I've been posting about these ideas this week on Instagram and I will go into them a bit more here. These are my 3 tried and tested "Break Glass In An Emergency" ideas for when you having a bad day in your head.

1. Ignore your head and focus on your body

Everyone I have EVER worked with has come to learn this lesson and it is:

The intensity of your mental and emotional suffering increases when your inner resources are low.

Here is a list of common ways your inner resources can get depleted: not enough sleep, being in pain, feeling overwhelmed or experiencing burnout, sensory overload, too much social time (low social battery), grief, work stress/too much on/rushing, relationship issues, being sick or ill, financial worries, a sense of "it's nothing really bad but just one thing after another," needing time off...

There will be others, life has a lovely habit of keeping us rushing or serving us up another issue to face. But whatever it is that is going on, if it is depleting your internal battery then it is going to be turning up the volume on any emotional suffering or mental health issues you are experiencing.

My inner critic gets loud when my inner resources are low. And these are common ways I have noticed that my internal battery decreases - if I am ill or don't sleep. Or if it is very noisy, specifically numerous different noises at once. Or if there is a lot of unspoken emotional tension going on in a room. Or if I am hormonal. Or sometimes when all of these are happening at once.

What do you notice about stressors which deplete your inner battery?

What happens in your brain when you are under-resourced?

What is your particular nasty brain loop which gets loud when you are under stress? (I call this Shitty Factor Resets and I will come back to this another time).

Detaching from the content of your thinking and focusing on improving your physical state, is in my experience, a very helpful strategy to helping your brain feel like a nicer place to be.

So, if I sleep badly I prepare myself to ignore my brain as much as possible as it churns out nasty critical propaganda about my body or my embarrassing attempts to be an author or what a terrible parent I am. Instead I say, "It'll probably be a bit better tomorrow" and focus on:

• Strong coffees before lunch

• Regular meals

• No caffeine after lunch

• Resting with a longer meditation (and possible little snooze)

• Reducing my To Do list

• Asking for additional help

• Not replying to messages, in fact not doing anything other than the absolute basics

• Allowing for some emotional release e.g. having a cry or doing a breathwork session

• No exercise, other than a little stroll at lunchtime (only if my nap allows) or something very gentle e.g. yin yoga

Not only does this help me pay back into my internal reserves, it is also reinforcing a beautiful message of self-worth. Afterall, would I tell another exhausted insomniac to just get on with things as usual? Or expect them to push on through? More likely I would offer to help them or at least be kind, seeing that they are struggling physically, mentally and emotionally...

...so ignoring your thoughts and focusing on your body can actually be an act of self-worth.

2. Get angry

Ooooo, angry...not many of us feel comfortable about this emotion. But my, oh my, can it be a helpful feeling to shake us out of unhelpful thought patterns. I don't mean be angry with yourself. No, no, no. I mean

Get angry with the bullshittery of the world!

Is bullshittery a word? I know it's not but I love it.

Let me explain, what kind of things do you say to yourself about yourself in your head? What are the digs? What are the judgements? What do you tell yourself you should you be feeling or doing or being? What are the criticisms you routinely list? All the failings you count up and berate yourself with? What are the familiar words you use to be unkind?

Now, do you think these also represent expectations, assumptions, cultural rules, gender roles, social pressures, limits or oppressive systems out there in the world?

Does what you say to yourself reflect systems bigger than you?

How does that make you feel to consider that, what is hurting you in your own head is part of a bigger picture out there?

Well, I hope it makes you a bit angry. I hope you might feel a flicker of something in your body, an energy of, "Hmmm, that's not right" or "I don't like that in the world."

Would you speak to anyone else the way you speak to yourself?

Do you want to be part of maintaining this bullshittery in the world or part of changing it?

When I think about the things I say to myself, the standards I hold myself to, the ways I second-guess or gaslight myself, the moments I pick myself apart - all of these are also swirling around in the world out there. There's plenty of unhelpful, meanspirited and toxic messaging in our culture....around bodies, around strength, around gender roles, around struggling and difficulty, around having it all, around making money or owning things, around confidence or career, around accomplishments or status, always being ok or coping, being the support to others, always being calm or kind...never falling apart.

Can you see a link between what you say to yourself and what you think are unhealthy and harmful messages in the world?

Here's an example for you - when I get burnout my inner critic gets loud. When I am anxious. Or grieving. Or under pressure. Or under slept. Or sick. I start to notice that I begin to pick myself apart - it could be about my body, it could be about aging, it could be about my hopes to be a published author, it could be about being a parent...there are endless little threads my critic can pull on to unravel me when I am already struggling (that is the Shitty Factory Reset at work).

And when this happened on holiday this summer, it got me down. I was so sad and bitter that I couldn't relax by the pool and feel the sun on my skin. I was endlessly looking at other women and negatively comparing myself. I was ruining my own holiday. I couldn't get out of it, I had gone on holiday needing a rest and time away but somehow I wasn't able to absorb the goodness around me. I was falling into a negativity inside.

I journaled and wrote and wrote out all the poisonous mean words in my head. And as I wrote I noticed, I noticed how much of what lives in my head lives in the heads of other people - other women of normal body shapes, other parents juggling life, other humans trying to push themselves out of a comfort zone and try a new career path, anyone attempting to be creative. All the sticks beating me in my head are also hurting other people in theirs.

I got angry.

And that anger gave me distance and a new perspective. It connected me to what I would want for other people. Just to enjoy being in their bodies in the sunshine, to be celebrated for their uniqueness, not to be reduced to their worth being measured by BMI or some narrow version of success. How much individual beauty there is the world, how much range of person, of purpose, of past, of future path.

And this anger gave me energy to make a change and to choose.

I know it won't always work but coming back to this idea that I can choose to believe the bullshittery of my brain or

I can choose to uphold values I believe matter in the world

and this helps me to step out of toxic negativity. Sometimes, when I think about how different I want the world to be it gives me a different view on what goes on in my head.

3. Get it out of your head

I won't linger on this but once you have shared something it often feels lighter. If you can talk to someone who will simply listen kindly, respectfully and witness you vs. try to minimise, diminish or fix - great, find that person. If they can't talk, ask if you can voice note them.

If you know you really don't have that person in your life then maybe think about finding a talking therapy.

And always ALWAYs remember, you are a person who can hear you. Thoughts turning round and round in your head will likely never shift. If you speak them out (in the woods, in the car, in a field...) or write them out, or voice note yourself it does change things. Firstly you get release. Secondly, often we start to understand ourselves a little more when we hear it back. And in understanding we often can find a little more self-compassion.

And lastly, my little bonus idea, something for everyday not just bad days...

4. Don't be part of the problem

We all want to feel more accepted. We all want to be known, fully known and loved. We all want to find success being ourselves, not some masked and distorted version which "fits" with the expectations of others. We all want to feel worthy. We all want to stop endlessly chasing a version of ourselves, a "one day but not today" me which is finally acceptable.

Imagine we could feel some of that in our world today? And it didn't mean changing, it meant standing fully in our skin, as we are...

Mmmm.

And yet, how much are we maintaining a world of judgement and conditionality and fast pace and 2D versions of success. How much do we collude in a highlights version of ourselves? How often do we answer with some truth to the question, "How are you?"

I know it can feel vulnerable to be more authentic.

And yet I also know that us all being more authentic in the world, permissions others to do the same. And when they are more authentic, it feels safer for us to step more into our true selves.

Here are some ideas:

• If you use social media - don't post only the good bits of your life or your best angles. Invite in a bit more realness.

• Think about answering with a little more honesty to the, "How are you?" question.

• Don't click on any websites, stories or feeds which are clickbait for judgement of other people's bodies, lives or choices. Your attention is money to this system.

• Consider unfollowing people or not buying print media which dominates with commentary on bodies.

• Step away from gossip

• Notice casual phrases which are shaming, "Don't be a pussy", "Strap on a pair", "She's such a Karen"

In small ways, we can claim back our power. The power to shift relationships, conversations and purchases towards the kind of world that will help us (and everyone else) feel safer and more accepted.

What has landed for you here?

What topics would you find helpful for future weeks?

My inbox awaits your feedback and thoughts! I would love to hear from you. And THANK YOU again for anyone you can share my details with. I have a dream of meeting people who have read my book and who feel less alone, more understanding of themselves, more connected to their self-worth. A mainstream publisher could help me reach more people. And more followers will help me get that publisher.