Learning to rest & trust

How are you today? I am writing this at the start of December. I hope that you are well and that you are finding ways to take care of yourself as the weather draws in and the planning and expectations of the festive period ramp up.

I wonder, has your wellbeing managed to get onto your To Do list? What can you put in place to increase your inner resources during this time? Have you given it any thought? What would it be like to make your emotional wellbeing part of your seasonal plans? What could that look like and what difference might it make?

This post is about something I am living in right now - learning the lessons of rest and trust. I am sharing it here because I KNOW that in this world, the problem isn't that we need to do more. It's that, in the process of doing so much we often forget that we also need to just be and to move out of doing-mode; to be still, to be quiet, to feel softness, to be held. This feels like an energy that Autumn and Winter should invite us into - darker nights, cosy times, peace, goodwill, hearty food, cuddling up, blankets, warm drinks, toasty toes, soups with toast...

But let's be real - it also a time of advertising overload, spending (and for many financial worries), drinking more alcohol and eating out of usual routines, lots of social time (or not and feeling that as difference too), expectations, planning, juggling commitments, illness and more...I am not trying to be the Grinch here (I promise), I am holding space for what is less talked about and what we might also be feeling. To allow all parts of us to be here and to be seen, when what is seen in December is always meant to be smiling celebration and good times.

Fatigue accumulates through the year, we can get hooked up in what others are doing - what I should be doing and feeling, materialism, consumption, endless present buying.

The idea of slow and soft and restful can feel far away.

Even when we might be needing it the most.

This time I am going to be sharing from my own life, in the hope that it helps one of you (...or perhaps someone you know who is feeling the pressure).

Forced to stop

Over the last few months I haven't been well. It's kept creeping up on me and I have felt more and more exhausted. While the GP does tests and I consult Dr Google (bad, bad move...) I have made changes - I have taken some time off work, cut down on household tasks, cancelled social plans and had to face the truth that I need to rest frequently in the daytime. No exercise is happening. More TV is being watched. It's become clear that my body needs more than the little I had been allowing around the edges of work, plans and commitments.

I would like to say that I accepted this truth with self-compassion and grace, but that's not been the case.

It's been tough. As with all times of being ill and worried, Shitty Factory Resets come out to play (if you are new here, that's my term for the unhelpful nasty thinking we do when we are tired, run-down, stressed or unwell.)

My brain has continually turned up tasks and jobs, presenting me with lists of things to do - some small (like replying to an email or tidying the kitchen) and others big and related to my work and purpose (ideas to share on Instagram, thoughts on a course I want to run next year...more details on this below). In all kinds of ways, my mind has blocked me in resting- I have felt guilty, I have felt anxious, I have felt stressed out, I have felt low and dispirited, I have felt scared that I might never feel ok. My brain has endlessly told me that it is not alright for me to stop. That is is somehow wrong for me to rest. That there is so much I should be doing and need to get on with.

But my body has had other ideas.

And so I have took a few days off.

Each day I have faced a battle inside my brain - repeatedly having to stop myself from trying to get on as usual, having to reset and head back to bed or the sofa. I have found myself writing To Do lists or going over jobs in my mind, only to realise this and then reassure myself that I will come back to them in January. It's been a struggle but slowly, I have moved away from letting my automatic brain decide what I do and returned (over and over) to what my reflective, observer brain can see is needed. And my observer brain has decided - I need a season of rest.

Not just a few days but a few months. An extended period of going more slowly, more gently and with as much rest as possible.

What does your automatic brain tell you about how ok it is to rest or go slow?

Is this different from what your calm, logical, adult brain can see you need?

Does it get harder when you are ill, tired, rundown or stressed out?

For me, this has looked like the following (sharing here to give you some ideas too):

• Watching more Netflix in a day than I would normally watch in a week.

• Starting to do some colouring in a book I was given last year

• Taking baths.

• Enjoying a Harry Potter film in bed (and falling asleep for a chunk of it).

• Long meditations every day - at least 30 minutes and often more than one. I have chosen ones which are on the theme of trust because that is what I felt I was truly lacking.

• Napping and going back to bed multiple times a day.

• Accepting help when offered and asking for it more.

• Doing less, letting things slide, resetting expectations.

• Cancelling plans, saying no.

• Driving to see something vs go for a walk e.g. going to the sea to sit and gaze at the waves.

• Not replying to messages - or replying but only to say that I am ill and not online much.

• Changing my "normal" e.g. no exercise at all.

Please know that none of this came easily...

Being tested

Honestly, I feel like I have been schooled in how hard it is to let go of the reins.

I logically know that this is common - so very many of my therapy clients come to need counselling because they are disconnected from what they truly need to be well. As a culture, we are caught up in external living: work, tasks, goals, education, social media, what is right, what is expected, what is "normal", what we have been told is success, that we are out of touch with what feels right inside. I have never believed I am any different from those I work with (there is no healed, only ever healing) and yet, I have been shocked by how long it has taken me to release being in "on-mode" and fully accept and move to being in "rest & recuperation" mode. It's been a wake-up call, to see how often I have had to catch myself from pushing forward and remind myself to stop. To let go. To come back to my body.

It has honestly felt like being tested. Tested in my resolve to treat myself as I truly know I need to be treated. To walk my talk. To listen to the call of my health and heart. To unhook from the bullshittery of our culture that celebrates hustle and normalises stress.

(Yes, I am going to use my new word "bullshittery" in every Claim You).

To do what I guide my clients to do. To live the lessons I share.

I know that being able to shift with our seasons is part of a life lived with self-worth.

But, wow, has it been a hard lesson to learn.

Our inner seasons

I posted on Instagram the other day, a reflection I had about how we can't always be in the energy of productivity and strength and positivity and growth,

"No flower can bloom all year round"

was how I put it.

I have also shared my thoughts on needing to call it sometimes...

"I've done enough this year. Now is the time to do the least, not the most. I invite in the energy of not doing...of sliding into the end of the year in the easiest way possible. The kindest way possible."

And people get it.

I had messages come in, "I needed to hear that today", "I've been tired and so self-critical" and "Thank you for giving me permission to go slow..."

We seem to believe that we are outside of nature, some kind of machine, always able to perform at the same level, achieve the same week-on-week, that it is part of our identity to be forever able and doing. To always be ok. But it's not true. And it's not helpful. We all have our fallow seasons - illness, low patches, tired, sad, lonely, flat, empty - times when our bodies and hearts are needing us to go easy. Is this part of your identity? I struggle to integrate it into mine...and that is part of the problem, I've been learning.

Where in your identity is space for an inner Winter season?

How do you feel about yourself when you need to step things down a level? Do you ever step it down? What internal blockers get in the way of you resting of going gently?

The qualities we need

As I lay down over this week, I gradually noticed a shift. Bit-by-bit, I began to relax. Muscles released, I felt less tense, it was quicker for me to slow my breathing. I felt slower, softer. And I got to that state more easily. Words like - trust, patience, gentleness, comfort, softness, surrender, held, support, receive began to not just be part of the guided meditations I listened to under my duvet, but I began to feel them.

I felt held - held in rest, held in my body, in my bed, held by support I was receiving.

I felt trust - a safety inside, slowing down to what I needed.

I felt peace - the noise of my brain got quieter. I was more at ease to just be rather than keep doing.

I let go. I felt myself let go - physically, emotionally and mentally. I stopped holding on, feeling tense, worried...

It didn't happen in a moment. It took many moments, repeated. And I am still taking time for it now.

And what I found is that, once I stepped out of "doing mode", I could see that so much of it felt driven by fear and worry, worry that things weren't going to be ok, a need to try to feel more secure, more in control. That I needed to keep going for everything to be alright. In allowing myself to rest as much as possible, my body began to feel more ease, more release - truly safe. I read something this week and it hit me between the eyes:

"Holding onto control is about not being willing to receive."

Pow.

How much of me being in control of things is about me being unwilling to receive support and care?

How easy do you find it to release the reins?

What is there for us to learn about opening up to care?

How does this relate to self-worth? How can I feel truly worthy, if I am not open to receiving care?

I began to realise that the more I took care of myself, the slower I went, the deeper I breathed, the less I did... the more trust I felt. Like, even though things are hard now, it will be ok...

All is well.

Let it be.

These words kept coming up in my head again.

Not because I will necessarily feel better anytime soon. Or that I will avoid hard times or struggles in the future. But because I trust I will take care of myself. I am finding a belief that I won't abandon myself to busyness and doing. I am learning to trust that I will prioritise me.

So on some level, all will be well.

One afternoon, I imagined what it would be like to feel more and more trust in myself, ever more trust pouring in, greater than I could imagine feeling. More trust meant fewer worries and less fear. It doesn't mean not working hard or having goals or dreams or ambitions but it allows for these to flow from an energy that feels safe, expansive and freeing. Not rushing and hustling to be ok, more like moving at my own pace, in my own way. Making progress but on my terms. Being productive but from a place of flow and energy and "topped to the brim" with care.

More trust also allows a softness to receive, to ask for help, to not have to go it alone.

And doesn't that make things feel safer too?

To know I can be safe, even if life gets tough.

I don't know if I could have come to this with just a bit of rest. A small morsel of rest.

There's been something significant about leaning into having as much rest as possible, as much care as possible, as much time as possible. Not the bare minimum...not the smallest amount. Not the least I can get by with.

I know it sounds obvious that this approach is linked to self-worth but I didn't see it until now. Or to say it another way, I think I have known this cognitively but I am feeling it now. Even though I still feel ill, resting and feeling more trust has felt empowering. I also notice that the more time I have to rest, my creativity has started to slowly return too. Ideas and inspiration have begun to land, arriving of themselves rather than me chasing them or worrying that I need to find them. Adding them as another line on my huge To Do list.

Here's another line that resonated for me this week:

What is truly for you cannot pass by because it is in you.

Ok, it's not exactly what I read, I have tweaked it a bit!

For me this means - loosen your grip on the belief that you risk losing things by going slow. Everything that is truly for your benefit and purpose and highest good is inside you. You make that life happen, it's not really about the world out there. Taking care of you, really listening to what you need inside, is the surest route to a successful life. If you chase something and it takes you further from yourself and your needs, then it will likely only hurt you later. You will end up in choices, in an identity, in a constructed life that is not aligned to who you truly are or what you truly need.

So trust.

Listen to your body.

Pay attention to the mood inside - notice your season.

Surrender inch by inch to what is needed today. Try it out, let trust build, little-by-little and choice-by-choice.

Let each small step guide you. Don't look too far ahead - feel what is needed today, in the next hour, in this week.

For me, trusting rest has been a lesson I have had to learn. And that resting helps me feel more trust is also new awareness.

I hope that this helps you, as you move through this busy last month of the year.

I also wanted to mention that, I have been supported in my rest by my membership of The Heart Space. This is a wonderful online offer providing recorded and live meditation, breathwork and other healing practices run by my friend Laura. If you are interested to find out more then you can take a look on her website www.laurauglow.com