The power in unwinding...

...and unbinding.

This blog is sharing an example of how I continue to work with my own healing and some reflections I came to on holiday.

Disconnected from myself, busy brain, never feeing enough, restless energy, a bit lost...

Do you know that feeling?

That's how I was starting to feel in the run up to my time off. My book is out for comment and perhaps not having that as a focus was leaving me a bit lost. But I had a hunch that something else was going on. Work was good. Life is generally fine but I couldn't shift the energy and it was starting to feel pants. I knew I was due a break but was there something more than just a rest in the sun needed?

I sat with it and began to see that, within this mish mash of feeling was a need to feel more connected to myself - to move out of my head and be more in my body, to have fun, experience pleasure...just be. Just be me. Not Emily a vehicle for doing or tasks or productivity. Just Emily.

And that this felt more powerful than simply resting, it felt like it was needed for the next stage of my creative journey...

...it's one thing to have written my book and another to begin talking about it and sharing some of the big ideas from it.

Under the restless energy, fear and vulnerability were whispering to me.

No one wants to hear from you.

Stay small.

You don't even know what you want to say.

Who do you think you are?

And this I DO KNOW is a common experience - often when we feel anxiety, rushing around, restless, doom-scrolling vibes there's a deeper emotion which we need to connect with.

Truth is, it took time for this to pass. The first few days after we arrived, I carried on with this uneasy energy. I couldn't sit still for long. I felt like I should be onto the next thing. And in the background the whispers were getting louder and they were making me feel upset and lonely.

I noticed I was fixating on my body - picking apart what I see as "bad" or wrong with it, feeling critical and self-conscious.

I kept trying to make space to think about my book and to digest the achievement of having completed it. I wanted to tune into my purpose again, to start getting comfortable with my "big message" and how I talk about my book. What is it I want to say? How will I approach a literary agent and talk about me and my work?

But I couldn't reflect and I couldn't settle. I felt more and more down and uneasy. My inner critic was shutting down creativity. I felt further away than ever from unwinding and from connecting to myself.

So, I do what helps us humans.

I let it out. I stopped holding it in and being alone with what was hurting me.

I talked to my partner and let him know how much I was struggling. The horrible thoughts, the mean words, how pathetic I felt, how frustrated and sad.

And I held myself open to receive kindness and compassion, "I'm sorry it's hard for you. It's not stupid. It matters. I love you."

And I stopped moving.

And I sat and wrote out everything. All my self-hate and fears and vulnerabilities.

And after all that was out. I wrote about how I want to feel and about our world that has us all running for a feeling - a feeling that we are enough (in our bodies, in our careers, in our ownership of items, in our education, in our popularity, in how "healed" we are...). And I wrote about how this is utter bullshit.

How this is a model of an economy built to sell us products to fix us.

On standards which are only attainable by the few.

And judged by even fewer (who decides what is success? beauty? enough?)

That we are all caught up in this web of constant improvement and anxious searching which can't deliver because it begins with an external engagement and focus rather than an internal one.

How can I expect to FEEL good when I am making the answer to that about what I DO. And that as I DO my life, I am not using how I FEEL as the compass.

How do I expect to FEEL special, worthy, safe, loved, beautiful...if I am not beginning with feeling pleasure, joy, rest, sensuality (of the senses, not just sex!)?

This writing got me fired up.

It connected me back to my purpose and why I want more people to access the wisdom of therapy.

Because it's about personal power and relationship with self.

Because it's about connecting back to body and senses and felt experience and disconnecting (or seeing how we hooked into) this culture of never enough and constantly working for our worth.

And it helped me unhook myself.

It wasn't "fixed" at that point but it changed my direction and I decided to do 2 things:

1. Focus on how I felt in my body as much as possible - being embodied

2. Keep writing and peeling back these hooks or binds - not let them constrain me but understand them and then unbind them

I know we have a lot of space on holiday. And the sun and the sea and the food all help...but I know that everything I am about to tell you I did on holiday, I am looking to carry forward still in my life back in suburbia. This really came down to two themes:

Embodied pleasure

I relished as much as possible and by this I mean I consciously tried to notice what felt good and do as much of that as I could and I tried to savour the feeling of it, getting all the enjoyment out. Relishing every drop!

Warm sunlight on my skin

The sound of the waves

The dancing branches of the trees

Ping pong rallies

Uno games - played as evilly as possible.

Croissants. Crunchy, buttery, delicious.

Fresh seafood, cold wine, crunchy salads, juicy nectarines and sweet melon, lashings of Nutella.

Watching children dig sand holes and men argue over Petonque

Abandoning a book I wasn't loving and starting one I truly enjoyed

Afternoon naps

Choosing bright colours to wear, putting on all the jewellery. Taking time to get ready - feeling me vs observing me

Moving my attention from how I look in my body to how I feel in it

Moving my body to shift energy and to get back into it (be inside it in my focus) - a small run, a walk, plank, a few body weight exercises, a short yoga session on most days. Not all but most.

Floating in the sea and closing my eyes - feeling the experience.

It involved slowing down...

Feeling the experience NOT watching it, or watching myself in it or looking at others or looking externally. Feeling the experience I am in.

This is what I am trying to hold onto as I return.

I know the sun will fade. Croissants made here aren't as good. That it won't be fresh prawns and baguette for lunch....it'll be beans on toast...

But I can continue to be in me.

And to seek pleasure.

And to enjoy it and value it when it is here.

Space to unbind

The other thing I have to do is keep unbinding. That journaling was a process of unbinding - it helped me not stay stuck in the internal judgements and criticism. In writing out what I was feeling I got past the unhappiness; I caught sight of the wider cultural issues which mean I observe myself vs be in myself.

Over two weeks, my journaling helped me to see (again) how my past can hold me back and keep me small. I felt old wounds speaking to me as I thought about my book and how I feel it is leading me to a more public role (teacher? speaker? leader? expert?)...family and inter-generational patterns of shame around body and felt needs, isolation around struggle, sensitivity hidden and numbed.

The voices which told me to "not get too big for my boots" were not just mine - they go way back into my family and into our wider culture. We have all learnt to stay small, play it safe, do over feel, keep our pain hidden.

I unconsciously unbound on holiday.

I wrote out my intentions to speak out, to be brave, to change patterns.

I thanked the past but said, "I don't need to stay quiet and small anymore...in my body or in my voice. It's safe for me to take up space now. There's value for me and for others if I do."

I gave myself space to unwind.

And this felt like being in my body and it feeling good.

And to listen in and to choose to let go.

Space to unbind.

There was a full moon on our last night - a huge golden, orange moon. And I had the absolute blessed moment of seeing it in it's fullest glory over the dark sea. A glowing trail of moonlight, sparkling and flowing like a natural firework in and out on each wave. It was beautiful and it was meaningful.

Every month, if we pay attention, we watch the moon grow to it's fullest only to fade away and grow again. All around us cycles of death, rebirth and life endlessly unfold and unfold and unfold.

I stood on the beach and I claimed my own ability to let go and allow my past to die again, to allow space for a rebirth...a change for another element of my life to grow. I want to let go of fears so I can speak about what I know will help many people. I know this needs me to stand fully in myself (not perfect or healed) but struggling and human and with insight to share and a voice to be heard.

That this is my own healing.

And it is healing I can offer to others too.

I came to feel connected back to me - through my body and with space to unwind and to unbind.

We might not have the luxurious time of a holiday always available for this. But there is so much we CAN have - if we choose to...

...bring our focus to our bodily experience.

...seek the anchoring moments of pleasure.

...find the space to hear ourselves.

...use intention and our power to let go and invite a cycle of death, rebirth and life.

...hold the power of enough is in us and nowhere else.

I want to live a life of feeling.

Where I can feel as fully me as possible.

Not disconnected rushing.

I know it will mean resetting over and over, because I live in our world.

But I feel it is worth it.

My body tells me it is.

And my body tells me how.

I wonder what space you can take to unwind and what might arise to need unbinding?

Can you start bringing your attention into your body?

Can you seek pleasure and know that this is not a superficial experience but a powerful place to begin self-connection?

Sending so much love to you,

Emily