Unpacking the myth of confidence

I think we all instinctively have an idea of what confidence means (or how we see it looking out there in life...perhaps an image of a confident person swims up in your mind even here) but I see many people uncertain on how to go about feeling more confident. In fact, I think the way many people think about confidence can actually leave them feeling less confident and less sure of themselves. In this blog, I set out how I think confidence needs redefining. I believe that if we don't redefine confidence, we might never find ourselves feeling it.

What does confidence mean to you?

Let's take a moment here. I am sure that we are all arriving with plenty of pre-existing ideas and expectations for what confidence means. I invite you to just notice what comes up for you when you ask yourself these questions. When you think of confidence...

• Do you picture a person or type of person? What are they doing? How are they moving? What sort of associations do you make to them and their life?

• How comfortable do you feel with it as a word? What do you notice about how you feel about it as a topic or experience? Do you feel at ease? Does it feel like a word that is close to you and comfortable? Does it feel faraway and a distant state that you rarely inhabit?

• Is confidence related to success? And if so, what does success mean to you or look like? Is this definition similar to you and your life or does it feel like a totally different person and world?

• What other words come up which relate to confidence? Maybe there are words like: easy, open, outgoing, loud, articulate, taking up space, self-worth, arrogant...just see what comes up for you.

• Are there people in your life that you see as confident? What is it about them that makes you think of them that way?

Reflecting on your answers, can you see that the idea of confidence comes with a fair amount of back-history for you? Is anything surprising to you here? Do you think that these associations help you, in your pursuit of your own confidence? It can be helpful to bring these things into awareness - how much of this has been shaping your ideas of confidence without you realising?

Often I feel that we use confidence to mean, "the best of someone" - the sunniest day where someone is feeling just fine, someone in their flow, smiling and happy, nailing an activity with skill and finesse, perhaps you imagine them in the nicest outfit, the shiniest version of themselves. A confident person probably has great teeth and glossy hair! When I imagine confidence, it's someone talking on a stage - strolling around narrating something to an enraptured audience. No nerves. Total mastery. Probably well-dressed.

Can you see where I am going with this?

I guess my starting point is this, we create a version of confidence that is about how someone looks externally. We might also on some level believe that this confident moment is how that person feels all the time.

Often a confident moment is the result of many other experiences - in my imagined example of someone on stage, this could be that someone has toiled for years to gain expertise, practised speeches endlessly, had their suit tailored perfectly and done deep breathing exercises and yoga that morning to feel good. Maybe they felt terrible before they went on stage and nauseous but managed to steady themselves. Maybe they feel exhausted afterwards and collapse onto the sofa. Perhaps they have a big releasing cry. Or feel the need for a stiff drink. All of this could be likely and might very well be part of a moment of "confidence" unseen to the audience but known very well to the person on the stage.

Do we acknowledge this to ourselves when we long to be more confident?

I'm guessing, no. We just want it to arrive. Perhaps we believe we can feel it all the time and somehow believe other people are feeling this.

Often we believe people are innately confident, that they have always been that way and always are. I'm not sure that this is the truth.

This more complex reality doesn't need to detract from that beautiful moment of confidence on the stage, that is real too. It's just a more complicated picture. More changeable and varied too. Not a constant simple state of being always confident - something more human, more fluid, more real.

If we defined confidence like this - would you feel more able to say you are a confident person? To see yourself that way?

It's the inside that counts

The other thing I see when people talk about wanting to feel confident is that it usually involves being significantly different from how they are (and who they are) in their life now. Let's imagine I am working with a client who has anxiety and feels overwhelmed a lot. Understandably we will be working to understand what has caused this and to see where we can increase self-support and make adjustments to reduce the frequency and intensity of anxious experiences.

But somewhere along the way a belief has grown that, if this person is going to feel confident about themselves, then they will need to be anxiety free. It is this longed for and imagined future self that holds confidence. Here I am going to say something which might feel a bit radical,

The experience of confidence is being at ease with all of who I am.

If I believe that I must change to feel confident then I am probably further away from feeling it than ever. But if I can begin to practise accepting and acknowledging all parts of me (yes, there is an anxious part...but what about the caring part...and the funny part...and the bright & curious part...and the part which has been in my job for a while and knows a thing or two about the sector I am in....the part that loves travelling...the caring older sibling...)

If I can get more comfortable with myself as I already am...

....aren't I already closer to being more confident?

What would it be like for you to practice naming and claiming all the different parts of you? How could you imagine them all coming along on the journey of your confident life?

Rewriting success and self

And this brings me onto another reflection, that if I define confidence as being able to move forward in my life, accepting all parts of me, learning and growing and feeling more comfortable with who I am, then a few things shift.

1. I stop defining success and confidence as an unrealistic 2D version of being human and allow it to flex and accommodate all of me- not only my shiny days but also my darker days can be part of my overall confident life.

2. This means I start redefining myself as a confident and successful person on my own terms -- only I can be the most confident version of me. I can't be the person on the stage. But I can be fully me, confidently me, me owning all of myself. When I stop making being confident about being someone else's version of confidence, I open up to allow it to be about being as fully me as I can be. And as fully at ease being me as possible.

This means we start thinking about how to become more confident with new lenses and ideas.

Maybe my confident doesn't mean earning loads of money or delivering a TED talk (I mean, both are on my To Do list!). Maybe it involves something quieter, softly satisfying. Perhaps I am confident in collaboration vs individual pursuits? That's me embodying the most confident version of me. We can't all be masters of public speaking, telling jokes or tall tales (and let's remember, plenty of people who do don't actually like themselves and feel confident on the inside...how many comedians have mental health issues? How many celebrities end up in rehab or worse?). So beginning to see ourselves as unique, multi-faceted selves and wondering what it would be like to confidently own all of that...could that be a path towards confidence?

It's about self and it's also not about you

Over the years, I have noticed that people will experience something they do which they aren't happy with e.g. forgetting something in a meeting and they will dwell on it, making this mean all kinds of things about themselves. The one incident becomes an internal character assassination...I am forgetful, I'm not reliable or competent, I'm never organised, I will be seen as a weak team member, I am so frustrated with myself, Why do I always mess up???...

But when something goes well (and tbh, in most days there is a lot we are doing pretty well)...we NEVER sit down and ruminate on or endlessly go over on all the good this says about ourselves. If I remember everything for the meeting do I go home, narrating all my character strengths to myself? I am so responsible, I take a lot of care, I am conscientious, I come up with good ideas, I am a respected person at work, I am valued by my friends, I love that I take so much care about things...Nope.

Our brains naturally tend to the negative.

And this creates a negative bias - not reflective of reality, not accurate and not helpful for confidence!

If you ever meet someone who is truly confident, my hunch is that they have been around a lot of positive feedback throughout their lives (probably from a young age) AND they have absorbed it into their identity. If you want to feel more confident, could you allow some space to find words about you and to absorb them into your sense of self? What positive accurate words about you can you start making part of your identity.

You don't have to believe it, to practise it. You just have to begin.

And if all else fails, and you really do feel shitty about who you are and low in self-confidence then you can always try this:

Use the power you have everyday to positively impact someone else.

What a power it is that we hold in us. That in small actions, with our words, tone of voice, open arms, effort and kindness we can change the way another human feels inside.

Wow. That's magic.

And you are a magic maker.

You hold that power.

You matter in this world.

Just as you are.

Witnessing and claiming all parts of you.

Can you dream of a life where you feel successful and confident, doing what is meaningful to you, surrounded by joy, connection and loving relationships...and where you are, just as you are today. Confidence with no change necessary.

Breathe in this idea.

Because, confidence is feeling ease with who you are. All of who you are. It's not about being someone else. It's not about being without struggle or flaw. It's standing upright in the world, open and free and holding all parts of you as you do.

Yes it will ebb.

Yes it will flow.

It will never be constant.

There will be struggle and hard times.

But I know you can be a confident person and be just as you are.

Yes, I believe you can. And I believe it is the necessary approach to feeling true confidence.

It's the confidence I have found in myself - not perfect, not constant but utterly grounded in being me.

I hope this gives you some food for thought. Confidence - it's a bit of a myth and worth unpacking.