Nervous system regulation - my concerns about this wellbeing trend

This month I want to get into nervous system regulation (which is a topic everywhere in the land of healing, wellbeing and mental health) and to share some thoughts about how it may reinforce trauma patterns and low self-worth. And my worries about it blinkering us from some of the bigger issues of our world.

It might seem a bit niche as a focus, but I am genuinely concerned by some of what I see on social media and advice that I see being dished out.

Why I’ve got a problem with nervous system regulation

I love a good yell, somatic sigh and shaking move as much as the next modern-day therapist or healer. If I am getting stressed and overwhelmed, I often turn to practices that help me release tension, to express emotion, move agitated energy out and to comfort and settle myself. In fact, it's an approach I use a lot after client sessions, helping to process the emotional and physical "residue" I collect during my work.

These practices are varied and valuable - they can also be empowering and healing. Working with body process is a core part of the therapy I offer - tuning to body sensations, working with breath and posture, listening in and learning what is being communicated in tension, restlessness, pain or sensation. Our bodies are our most important lifelong partner. They are the compass for what is truly right for us and what we should steer clear of. For anyone wanting to work on self-worth, healing from past pain or managing anxiety, stress or burnout - your body is a vital source of information and wisdom.

Nervous system regulation is commonly offered as a way to shift or change unpleasant or challenging physical or emotional experiences, for example:

• Yelling out anger

• Shaking out stress

• Tapping for calm

• Moaning out grief

• Dancing out low mood

• Sweeping out agitation

  
  

These are all effective and valid and I have used them all myself and explore them in therapy sessions too.

So what could be the issue? Don't we all want to feel a little better and help difficult inner feelings move on? Surely, it's a positive to share this information more and help people to "move on" from negative states?

Self-worth, trauma and the inner-critic

The reason I am wary is because these practices can easily become "quick fixes" rather than caring responses to self. And I worry about the impact they might be having for people in distress or in stress.

Your body and your emotions are part of you – they aren’t problems to be got rid of. Viewing challenging sensations and difficult feelings in this way can risk reinforcing a belief that parts of you are acceptable whereas others are inconvenient or wrong. For anyone seeking true confidence and to heal an inner-critic, this can be a tricksy path to walk.

No one can go through life without struggle or pain – what comes from a belief that if I feel something unpleasant, I need to find a way to move it on and out? This isn’t about a masochistic desire to stay in pain but rather my experience watching people claim true self-worth in therapy. This often looks like finding ways to be resilient in the experience of pain so that information held in body sensations and emotions can be heard and understood. Only from this place can we make truly informed decisions and choices in life and only from here can we really heal what has hurt us.

I am alert to hidden messages that challenging feelings need to be shed quickly - especially for anyone whose childhood involved needing to be a “good” daughter or son or “helpful” older brother or “easy and amenable” younger sister. If you know you struggle in your adult life with taking up space or asking for help, if you feel you must try to “go it alone” or get frustrated or self-critical when you are upset or sad, then you may have been raised by parents who struggled to hold your needs alongside their own.

My worry is that, hidden into superficial advice about, shaking out anger or sweeping out hurt, is a message that ideally you shouldn’t be feeling anything that could be tricky for others.

And that your feelings (and so these parts of you) are therefore wrong.

Without meaning to, inexperienced practitioners (or worse content creators with no training or experience) are hooking into historic patterns of people who have been raised to believe their feelings are a problem or burden and are unacceptable and unwanted. In this space, body needs and emotions are a roll call in failings – too needy, a failure to "push on through" and struggle and distress getting in the way of being productive, easy or compliant. Most people who I work with, end up claiming their bodies as their fleshy partner for life – the home for their hearts and minds and deserving of care, rest and compassion. It’s often not an easy journey but it is a meaningful one.

And it is the path self-worth.

The concept of regulation is sound, but as I understand it (and getting inside that clinical and harsh sounding word, regulation, which brings me echoes of trying to train an unruly dog) I would say it means…

Having an intention to listen to how you feel (body and emotions) and then…

…responding to these needs in a way that feels meaningfully helpful and appropriate to you.

Over time this might mean you find your own set of practices and ways to express, soothe, release, steady or give voice to what comes up inside you.

Here’s an example:

If I am holding a lot of frustration inside I might notice this as:

• Ongoing and repeating thoughts – going over and over what has happened and what is wrong.

• Building energy and sensation in my chest

• Tension in my throat, jaw, neck and shoulders

• Feelings of stress, overwhelm, frustration and upset

Holding all this in awareness I might choose to respond to myself (or regulate my experience) by:

• Talking to the person involved – addressing my concerns, speaking out my feelings and finding resolution

• Talking it out to myself – giving expression to my feelings, holding an intention of releasing my frustration, validating my experience. I could journal.

• Breathing deeply into my chest and letting energy release through somatic sighs, whooshing “voo” breaths, sounds or shouts

• Physical activity to move it out – running, dancing or movements like sweeping hands over my chest and down my arms to my fingertips

• Deep calming breathing, yoga – especially poses with head below heart e.g. downward dog or forward fold. Stretches to release held tension.

• Walking in nature

• Receiving affirmation and support from a friend – eye contact, understanding, validation, empathy.

These are only suggestions, there are so very many other ideas but I hope you get the idea that we can be open and creative and flexible about what helps in a specific moment and with the specific experience you are having.

I think it is vital to mention intention here – are you really valuing yourself and your feelings and listening in? Are your responses to yourself tuned into and relevant to what is there? Or is the intention to avoid or shut down or turn away from how you are?

The truth is that our bodies are smart. If you are frustrated with yourself then no amount of yoga is going to help you find calm. If you just want your anxiety to go, then it won’t help tapping or sweeping the energy away.

And more than that – you might be embedding patterns that reinforce that only parts of you are acceptable. The easy to like.

The bigger picture

There's so much more I could say on this but I will leave you with this final reflection.

If our aim is to reduce suffering in a moment then might we be in danger of missing some bigger issues?

Here’s an example – if I am working with a therapy client who is experiencing anxiety at work then they might usefully look at regulating their bodily symptoms with a range of effective practices e.g. meditation, breathwork or movement.

In fact, workplaces may offer “wellbeing workshops” sharing ideas on these techniques, perhaps offering this to help employees reduce stress and to manage sick days and absenteeism.

I have worked with many clients who feel they are “failing to cope” because they cannot reduce their distress and stress, they feel they should be able to manage (i.e. not being finding it hard) and that this message is reinforced by managers. There can be implicit, or even explicit, judgement that if you are "still stressed" despite going to the lunchtime workshops on mindfulness then it's probably "your problem, not ours." However, if the workplace is toxic – anti-social hours, unachievable targets, moving goals, bullying staff, threats to job security, harassment then putting the onus on the individual to be ok can be highly damaging.

It's also morally wrong.

It might seem obvious that this shouldn't be the case, set out here as a brief example, but this is a common scenario and I have seen significant mental health issues develop because the focus (and pressure) is on the employee to somehow be alright in an environment that no one could be healthy in. If we aren’t careful, a focus on me managing my symptoms avoids bigger issues in relationships, workplaces and society putting the onus on the individual to "cope" rather than the environment to change. This risks the individual’s wellbeing and us disempowering ourselves from calling out wrongs when we see them or pushing for change where it matters most – at a social and systemic level. It’s highly damaging and it pushes the problem down the road for others to be impacted.

And as I look around the world I see more of this kind of thing going on, rather than less.

Most of us regulate (or come to equilibrium) in nature, in community, in the caring company of someone safe and understanding. When we are believed, heard and respected, when we have security, when we have space to listen inward and guidance to explore responses to our emotions and bodies that make us the masters of our own wellbeing.

Making sense of ourselves. Responding with care and respect. Learning about who we are and how we work. This is the lifetime path of claiming self-worth - it is a beautiful and meaningful thing and ideas to "regulate" ourselves and practices to do this can play a part.

But let's not lose sight of the bigger stuff - both inside us and around us in our world. And let's not give our power away - either by only focusing on the fix being internal or by believing that "nervous system" experts know our bodies and what we need more than we do. It might take time to listen in and learn, it might be challenging to call out wrongs but it is what will ultimately help you claim your self-worth, wellbeing and personal power.

And it will help you change the world a little as you go.

I believe we can all walk this path.

And that's what I hope my book will help more people do.

See you next month.

Always with love,

Emily