We need to talk about the inner-critic

Throughout my years as a therapist, I have noticed that there is an additional layer of difficulty that we are often facing in the toughest moments. Life can serve up grief, stress, trauma - challenge and pain of all kinds. And on top of this, in the hardest moments, another difficulty can get layered on top - the way we speak to ourselves in our own head. I see that when we are already overloaded, the inner-critic enters.

Sure, on the good days our internal voice might be positive - seeing hope, feeling motivated, able to see our qualities, feeling pride. Or maybe it is just quiet in our heads. But pretty much everyone I have ever known notices a shift in this inner-chatter when life gets a bit spicy. This means that, on top of life, we also have to manage the impact of our inner-critic. And the volume of this voice and it's impact can vary depending on how we are feeling and any past experiences of trauma, shame, judgement, rejection of vulnerability.

In this article, I am exploring why I believe that talking about our inner-critics is so very important. The truth is that our own internal voice can have a huge impact.

1. It adds more suffering

So much suffering. Think of all the self-criticism, doubt, hurt, shame, confusion and low mood your inner-critic has created for you.

When I think about the way my critic makes me feel, I honestly feel so sad.

One of the recurring memories or times of life that I comes up for me, is during my university years when I would cry and cry about how bad I felt about myself - my body became a battleground, a sense of failure, a source of shame and possible rejection and judgement. I forever compared myself to others. Endless outfit changes. Hours in front of the mirror listing all the things that were wrong with me.

So many opportunities I didn't take - evenings out, even holidays, social outings - because I couldn't get passed it. So many tears. so much anger and self-hatred.

I know your critic might focus on something else, what does yours say? Is it body? Is it innate worth? Is it your education? Your shyness? Your intelligence? Your aging? Your past - things that left a mark? Your status or what you own or don't own? Voices of parents or bullies or partners?

What are the regular ways your critic brings you down?

And what has the impact been for you?

• How many hours, days or weeks have you felt bad because of the way you are speaking to yourself in your head?

• What you have not done because your critic told you, you couldn't?

• What have you missed out on because of it?

• What have you put up with because your inner-critic said you deserved it?

• What you have not reached for or tried for?

• How has it made you feel?

• What has it created as your sense of self or identity?

This is why it matters that we explore this part of us - because it holds so much suffering.

Sometimes in a therapy session, I will ask my client to imagine witnessing an interaction on the street where one person is speaking to the other using the same words as their inner-critic. I ask.

What would you think was happening there? What would you want to do?

And often my client feels that would look like a bullying or even abusive scenario and that they would feel compelled to intervene or act in some way. To stop the bully (critic) from continuing to attack the other. And to offer the other some support or a way out.

Just saying...our critics are a big deal.

2. The shape of your life

As I mentioned above, my inner-critic has stopped me from doing things. I remember being offered the chance to go on holiday with a university friend and her family (Mediterranean yacht, onboard chef, endless pre-dinner drinks...) and i said no, because the thought of wearing a bikini was too hideous to me.

It's a small example, not life changing. But it's representative of something big.

There's something here about taking up space, about being seen, about putting yourself out there, being deserving of more...

...even now it shows up. Yes always banging on about my body. But it's not just that. It's an insidious message to stay quiet because, "no one wants to hear you."

If I listened that message I wouldn't be here sharing with you, I wouldn't have written a book, I wouldn't be speaking on podcasts (I am being interviewed on one next week) or sharing on Instagram (recent post - 9k views and 44 saves)...or running groups...or holding online meditations.

Hell, maybe I wouldn't be a therapist with 8500 hours of sessions delivered.

It would certainly keep me from saying anything messy or authentic. It would keep my creativity sterile and safe and offered from behind professional polish and safety. And I don't think that's what we need more of.

I wonder, how you want your future to look and how your inner-critic might mess with that. It's easier to look back and see the occasions where it has had an impact...but what about looking ahead? How do you want to feel in your future, what do you want to grow or create or experience or accomplish? And is there a risk that that your internal narrative might undermine or block this?

3. Energy blocked, creativity shut down

Imagine how much is lost in our world due to people staying small and silent? It's kind of crazy really to imagine the loss to us all, the collective waste of all our individual inner-critics being added up.

How does it make you feel to know that, out there, are many people all with something uniquely to offer this world but feeling so crap about themselves that they don't feel they can try.

It makes me a bit angry and sad.

But as with all things, we can only control ourselves - so consider this...in this lifetime you get the opportunity to be fully you. To connect deeply with people, to travel, to dance, to sing your song, to create, to care, to find purpose, learn, feel safe, nourish yourself, breathe deeply, find ease.

Your inner-critic is part of you. And yet, we need to imagine how we can move towards all that life holds, moving with the critic and no longer letting it stop us.

If you wouldn't give let a bully decide what the best option is...

...then letting your inner-critic decide your life is probably also not the best idea.

4. Increasing risk

Lastly, I wanted to acknowledge that an inner-critic can actually increase risk of self-harm or suicide. Think about how, in your lowest or darkest days, your critic speaks. Does it encourage you to seek help? Or does it name that as a failing? And an unwanted action, a burden on others? Does your critic reassure you that it is ok to take time away from work or other responsibilities if you really need it? Does it tell you that you deserve rest, help, adjustments? Or does it yell at you to carry on, push on through and not be such a failure?

Over the years, in my own life (and in very many therapy sessions I have held), I have had to call the critic out. There are times when the inner-critic is so loud and so convincing that someone else's voice is needed - I have needed that from other people (mainly my own therapist or my very wonderful partner) and I have been that voice for others. To point out the trajectory if we keep listening to the critic and keep going as we are...

...to gently re-direct towards more help, less work, more time.

...to look ahead to the end point if the critic keeps getting the deciding vote.

Unchecked and unacknowledged, the critic can be dangerous.

It can lead towards self-sabotage, burnout, self-hard, addiction, emotional eating, issues with exercise, isolation, self-harm and worse.

This is the dark corner of mental health. And I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't have the capacity to go there if life piles on enough.

This is why I want to open up space to talk about our inner-critics.

And this is why I want to hold hope and a pathway of healing and growth.

5. Facing our critics to heal our world

Lastly, I want to link up the work we do on ourselves with the state of our world. There is so much judgement in our world - comparison culture, toxic media, click-bait criticism. This is part of why we don't talk about our inner-critics - it is hard to open up this wound in a world that is forever finding fault, careers made from criticism, billions of dollars made capitalising on our hungry search for acceptability.

I for one feel this is all wrong. Wrong, harmful, illogical, problematic...

...so when we consider what our own inner-critic says and how much we believe it and buy into it, perhaps we can also consider our part in shifting this discourse. Yes, through our internal healing. And also what we put out into the world.

If any of this has landed for you, please get in touch and have a think about joining me for my Heal Your Inner-Critic pop-up. We will be touching on these themes and more together.

Always with love,

Emily