I'm not broken. I'm human.

The honest truth found at 3am.

It’s the middle of the night, and I can’t sleep. My brain’s on a relentless loop, observing itself, analysing, second-guessing. I know I’m tired and need rest, but my mind doesn’t seem to know this.

Tonight’s rotation of thoughts is something like this:

Am I even a good person?

Do I actually have anything useful to share about mental health or emotional wellbeing?

Isn’t this ego taking over—me, awake in the middle of the night, worrying about this?

This must make me selfish, self-absorbed because there’s so much more that matters in the world and even in my life…

Then I think about my family and worries for particular people.

But then my mind goes to my body. And how hard I am finding it right now to accept it.

And now it’s back to whether I’ll ever actually make it as "a success".

And then I’m back to my ego again, because shouldn’t I already feel like a success? Shouldn’t I already feel grateful for the amazing life I have?

And honestly, in these moments, I feel pathetic. There’s so much awful stuff happening in the world, and here I am, stuck in my little pit of self.

I start thinking about what to write on Instagram. I think about the book I am writing—if anyone will actually want to read. How I want it to be a huge success…I think about other people I see out there who’ve written books, who earn more, who look so secure in who they are—always completely them. They seem to do it effortlessly and somehow make money from it too. I feel how much I want this. And yet feel lost.

And then I ask myself—why? Why am I even thinking about this? My days are already packed—being a therapist, a mum, a partner, a daughter, a friend, a woman trying to keep some vague sense of order with my body and mental health. Honestly, just being an adult takes up all my time and energy.

But I still want more. I want to be more. To do more.

Yes, that’s it. That’s the core of it. I can’t sleep because I feel like I should be more, I should be doing more. My brain has endless lists for me. Promising that I will be ok and feel ok once I have finally changed myself and my life.

Ok, even at 3am, I can feel a reality check is needed.

There are days when I do feel peace, when I feel at ease with myself and celebrate who I am. They’re more frequent now than they used to be, and that’s something I cherish. I can have weeks now of feeling sure of myself and proud of who I am. I do love my work and my family. I do find my work deeply meaningful. I plan my life to include experiences which bring me calm and joy or interest. This is hands down the best I have ever felt in my life – about myself and about the life I lead. It’s been a lot of reflection, therapy and healing to find it.

But there are other days—days, and nights, like this—when my brain just won’t stop churning, and all I can think about is what feels wrong with me. Mostly, it’s worries about my children, my work, or my body.

And what can I actually point to in my own head and thoughts and say: That’s true. That’s real. Because…Is it my hormones talking? My ego? My insecurities? My childhood experiences? The bullshit impact of comparison culture – social media and a life shaped by advertising endless products?

And if I struggle too, what can I say with absolute honesty to anyone? Do I have anything to offer when I am equally in the mess of life?

I sent my friend a Whatsapp earlier today—I was feeling gross and stuck in myself. I told her I’ve put on weight these last few years, that I don’t seem to have the motivation to exercise like I used to. I talked about the adverts on Instagram that keep targeting me telling me I can “shed pounds of hormonal weight” and how much I hate myself for getting sucked into them. Even for a second. I know that this is the culture we live in.

I also know that these thoughts are part of my own past - that they began when I was only 11 years old and in a time of huge change and isolation. They were my way of trying to find some control in myself and in my life. I get that, when they come up now, they're not really about my body but about feeling overwhelmed.

But I still hate that this is what I think about. I hate the systems that put these thoughts in my head. But instead of focusing on that, I keep going round and round in this same wormhole of a thought. Thinking that things will feel ok if only I could look different...be more successful...blah...blah...

Her reply began with: “Oh good! I feel gross too.” Except that wasn’t what she meant. She quickly sent another clarifying her typo. She meant to write “Oh God. I feel gross too.”

But you know what? Her mistake made me feel better. I looked at that – it felt good that she and I felt the same.

It reminded me of something so simple, yet so important: We are not broken. We are just human. And we need to share these things more. Maybe this is what I can bring to my work - to what I talk about in my book or on my social media or here.

Can I be of use to others when I open up and speak with authenticity as well as expertise?

I’m tired of the days not being okay just being me. And of patterns of feeling critical and stressed. It’s exhausting. In times like this my brain is a negative vortex, never remembering the good stuff—the positives about myself, my day, or my life.

And I know they’re there. I know I’m insanely lucky.

But here’s the truth: my drive to create, to share, to change? It rarely feels just pure or altruistic. Even the parts of myself I see in a positive light—they always seem to have another side to them.

Maybe I’m the only one who feels like this. Or maybe other people aren’t expecting to be good or okay all the time either.

What I do know is this: it helps me to know others feel the same way. Knowing we’re not alone in our pain—knowing there’s someone else who gets it—makes a difference.

So I’m sat here, typing this, and I need to say it to myself: I am not broken. I am just human.

I claim all parts of me—the ego, the insecure, the caring, the selfish, the worrying, the bored, the critical, the healing, the struggling, the masterful. I am all of these. And I have a truth worth sharing.

I believe in the work I do. I know I can help you create change in how you see yourself and how you live your life. I have with many many clients. And I have in myself.

But I’m not going to shine this up into some polished promise of a brand-new you, delivered with a sense that I am living a shiny life. Because life isn’t like that. I am not feeling that as I am writing this. I do feel it on many days though.

And still, I believe I can help. And part of that is saying, I struggle too.

Because one truth I know and can hold onto at 3am is this: it helps to know we’re not alone in what we feel.