Confidence in the real world

True confidence and self-esteem.

These are words that are commonly used and we all want them, right? They are the good feelings to have!

But the truth is that what looks like confidence can be a front for insecurity. And what helps build self-esteem is getting more comfortable with our most vulnerable and challenging parts. We are often looking for external validation to feel good. Our inner worlds can feel much more trickier to sit with, that's where all our doubt and self-criticism live. But it's your relationship with your self which dictates your self-esteem...

So confidence might go a bit deeper than putting on a smile and being chattier at work or in a group of friends.

I believe there is a duality, an experience of opposites, to the experience of true confidence, which I think is often missed. And I encountered this for myself over the last fortnight.

Funny how being asked, “Are you ok?” can leave you feeling worse.

I know the question often means there is care. But I was asked it twice last week and both times it left me feeling unsure of myself and vulnerable rather than supported. The questions came off the back of content I am sharing on Instagram. I am doing my absolute best to show up there as both a professional and as a real person, acknowledging my own hard days and trying to break down some of the barriers around mental health which I see add to suffering and distress.

Everyday in sessions, I hear these barriers show up as,

"What's wrong with me? Everyone else can cope."

or

Why I am I finding this so hard? I should be able to just get on with this"

or

"Why am I different?"

These thoughts add more pain to someone who is already going through something.

More isolation, shame, frustration, self-criticism.

Mostly, I respond by saying that plenty of other people feel just like they do. But it can be hard to believe for the simple reason that hardly anyone talks openly about how they really feel. We might share with our nearest and dearest but the idea of sharing our difficulties more widely feels risky, unwanted and open to judgement. No wonder people keep that stuff hidden...but then we end up trapped by it ourselves when times are tough.

That idea of "failing" because I am feeling something hard comes back to us. And round the judgement cycle goes.

The truth is that everyone I see in counselling is a successful human - they have jobs or families or friends or interests. They learn and travel and take part. They are interesting and have quirks and characteristics and passions which make them multi-faceted. And yes, they also struggle and need support at times. But this version of success is less commonly shared.

The messages I received said something like, "I've seen your videos on Instagram and I have been wondering if you are ok."

And rather than feeling supported, I felt uncomfortable. I started to wonder, "Have I been too much? Have I shared more than I should? Do I look vulnerable rather than professional? Maybe I need to pull back?" I suddenly felt insecure.

It also happened directly after being recorded for my first podcast interview. It went well and I felt happy with what I shared. But then at 2am the following night, I had a sort of vulnerability hangover and felt I had been too real. I had to work through an urge to call the interviewer and ask her to delete the recording.

It took me a few days to steady. And what I came to was that, this emotional experience I was navigating following the podcast and the "Are you ok?" messages was proof of my original point. Owning all of who we are, claiming all our parts IS the experience of true, deep confidence. But it's not done much. And so I will find it challenging to do because I also live in this world. And others may not be used to it either and they may feed that back to me in their reactions.

The truth is, when I emailed the interviewer to say hi and thank you for the opportunity she generously shared how much reflection she had done after interviewing me. And how my perspectives had supported her to open up more and to understand herself. She thanked me for my professional insights and my vulnerability - both had helped her.

Amazing!

The truth is, I am ok and I don't need help right now.

In fact, I feel very in touch with my purpose and profession as I write my book and share more on social media.

But I am human and I will have tough days and times. And I have needed help before. And I think it is important to own all of this. All the parts.

To say, I do hold wisdom and I also have a very well established inner-critic.

I can offer insight but I can doubt myself a lot.

I believe in what I am sharing and I know what it feels like to feel bleak and hopeless.

And that all these feelings can come and go in a single day.

Just like everyone else, I am multi-faceted; the dark, the light and all the colours in-between…some sludgy maybe, some shadowy, others bright and sparkly. Even if you can’t see the range, it is there. No one is all good. No one is all bad. No one is all strength and confidence. No one.

It might feel like safety and confidence to share just the good stuff - to always stand in my professional expertise, to talk about mental health as if I am the expert rather than someone also doing the work, to only share when I think I look good, sound good, when my armour feels impenetrable...but that confidence feels like it rests on shaky ground. It's not really true, and I know it.

How about when I can stand and say I do have expertise and I struggle on some days too. If I can find ease with this in myself, then that feels like strong foundations. It might mean working through some vulnerability to get there but it feels more secure, more rooted. And also it might breakdown some barriers and shame for someone else, like it did for the woman who interviewed me (and I hope for anyone else who listens to that, reads my posts or who buys my book).

So here is my advice to you, advice I try to follow myself almost daily (I can't commit to anything on the actual daily)

Find a description for yourself which includes range. And regularly own all of yourself. Practice this.

Try some statements which include a sense of duality and range. For example;

I claim that I am thoughtful friend and know I need a lot of alone time to feel ok.

I acknowledge I am hardworking and see that I work hard to manage my anxiety.

I have had success at work and know I often feel lonely and unseen.

I see I have strengths and claim the parts of me that fear rejection.

I am ambitious and know I have a loud inner critic.

I see all of me. I claim all of my multi-faceted self. I know that being multi-faceted makes me human.

When we can gather up all parts of ourselves.

When we can see all of who we are.

Then we are on the road to the kind of confidence which doesn't need to be loud or showy - quietly knowing who you are, claiming all of you - that's the self-esteem I am interested in.

So when I am asked, are you ok? I might say, "Yes I'm ok, thanks for asking."

But maybe the answer I whisper inside, "I am ok being all of me. Are you ok with me being all of me?"

Sending care,

Emily x