Holding onto self-worth in survival mode

This month I am going to be sharing some ideas on how to keep self-worth alive when you are in survival mode.

Let's be honest, making positive and valuing choices for ourselves comes easy in the good times. It's when the shit hits that our self-worth can slip. I haven't met ONE person who this isn't true for, so I hope there's something in this for you. And especially so if you are in a tough or heavy time, right now.

Let's begin by defining, survival mode.

When I think of survival mode this is the vibe

Unrelenting difficulty.

Maybe it is a stretch of time - not just a bad week - a heavy time of ongoing stresses and challenges. It might feel crushing, like you are being ground down - swamped by life, drowning and barely able to keep your head above water. It could involve waves of anxiety & busy brain, collapsing into low mood, ground down & fed up; only for stress and worry to return again.

It's back-to-back stuff happening. That sense of, "When will life give me a break?" It's one thing after another.

And when we are here for a while, it takes its toll.

Of course it is hard. Really hard.

And when we are in an extended period like this, other difficulties start to emerge.

We might notice a whole range of experiences and states - brain fog, bad sleep, irritability, increased vulnerability and sensitivity (more weeping or shouting...guilt and anger in repeated cycles), overwhelm, racing brain and rumination.

That inner-critic will come around more.

And we will probably notice behavioural changes to. Perhaps we feel more withdrawn and cancel plans. We are probably exhausted - that internal battery is running low. Meals might become haphazard - more junk food, comfort eating, alcohol. Less time for exercise or anything else you normally do that helps you feel good - mindfulness, walks, talking with friends, reading, listening to a podcast.

Survival mode yells, "There's no time for any of that. KEEP GOING!!!"

Stress response

Let's remember here that when we are living like this, our physiology is shifting. Cortisol and adrenaline are more present. They take longer to metabolise out, perhaps not resetting before another day and another release of these arrives. Our "normal" can become agitated. And this means we might experience - upset stomachs, blankness, muscle tension, flighty thinking, headaches.

None of this is helping us make reflective choices. It is truly a case of - just get through the day.

I am sure that everyone reading this knows this experience. There have been many days in many times of my life when I have coped by thinking to myself, "Just get to bedtime, that's all you need to do."

I don't think we can avoid any of this.

Sometimes life is just a shit-show. Bad stuff happens. And all at the same time. And even if we could choose to step away, often we don't because it involves people we love or situations we can't change anyway (past trauma activated or present challenges...or the spicy combo of both). Life can offer practical and logistical difficulties. It can bring situations heavy with emotional impact.

And when it does, our instinctive response is often push harder, get through. Do what it takes. The To Do list is the boss. Not much thinking gets done, it's doing-mode all the way.

So here are 3 areas for you to think about that I have noticed I have found helpful. 3 themes to help you thread your self-worth back into these times.

We might not be able to avoid survival mode but we can minimise its impact.

1. Witness and express

   
   

If I could suggest one thing to anyone having a tough time, it's this - acknowledge it.

And not just at a general level, "I am stressed" but at a very specific granular level.

Get into the details of what makes it hard - this recognition is important.

Us humans need to be believed. To be seen. To be heard and understood.

In my work, I have been with people talking about the worst feelings, the most traumatic experiences, the hardest times. I can't change any of that. And often neither can they.

But what changes how they feel about it all, is to be witnessed. To be truly seen in the specifics of what is hard and awful. Because this is a valuing experience - an embodiment of, "I matter." And that's why I offer it here because seeing yourself clearly - all you hold, all you are facing, all the different (perhaps conflicting) feelings present - can help you hold onto your worth during a time when it could otherwise get eroded. How we feel matters and in survival mode, space for feelings gets scarce.

• It can help to talk it out with someone who won't try to advise, or fix or make it go away. Someone who will listen.

• It can help to write it out - just keep writing - all the different challenges all the different parts of it and of you.

• It can help to read out whatever you have written.

• It can help to use the word "AND" instead of the word "BUT" so that all parts of you can exist and dial down that internal battling and back-and-forth feeling.

"I love her but she is being so difficult. I feel guilty that I am irritated but I have to support her. I need to rest too but it's not possible, I'm too busy"

Can become.

"I love her and she is being difficult. And that makes it harder for me. And I notice I feel guilty. And I have a need to balance rest as well as support."

Tone shifts, conflict lessens, acceptance can enter.

Let it out. Have a cry. Speak. Release.

When life is hard, one thing we can stop holding is everything inside.

2. Hold your routines

   
   

This is a bit like being a good parent to yourself (so much more needed but harder if the parenting you received was lacking in your childhood) but it's sort of like, "I know you don't like your broccoli but you need to eat it."

What in your life normally brings stability? What feels like the boundaries, the framework, the foundations that keep you steady?

• It might be your diet.

• It could be your morning walk or gym class.

• It might be that regular coffee with a friend.

• Or that comfort film you love, watched in bed.

• Walking the dog in the woods.

• Or your bedtime routine.

• Maybe it's the lunchtime office breather you usually do - ten minutes outside and away from your screen.

Have a think about the things you have learnt and developed over time. What has slipped away recently? Can you build it back in?

There might be a voice telling you there's no time.

It might be saying that you don't deserve this stuff right now.

But let's remember,

our stressed out brain (remember all that cortisol - the stuff that is making us reactive vs. reflective) is not doing its best thinking. So, I suggest trying to step into your OBSERVER brain - ten deep breaths, sit outside for 5 minutes - and then consider, "What can I include each day? What is the structure that I would find stabilising right now? What would I suggest to someone else in the same place as me?"

I remember the first time I was on a plane and registered the "put your oxygen mask on first" guidance. I'll be honest, that little cartoon of the mother putting her mask on before her baby - it made me feel weird. On some level, it felt wrong, going against a natural instinct, you know, the one that makes parents rush out in front of cars to protect their child.

But isn't that the point? What comes naturally is not always helpful. Sometimes we need to reset our reactive choices and be a parent to ourselves - to plan what is needed, to be the one that holds the routine and wellbeing.

3. Be flexible

   
   

But no rigid and authoritarian inner-parenting please! We need some flexibility, people.

Another facet of being in survival mode and our stressed brains is that we can get into black & white thinking.

"I said I would go to the gym with my friend so I have to go."

"I promised to help out, so I can't let them down."

"I need to eat well, I should get to the supermarket today, there's no food in the house."

Yes, exercise can help. Yes it is good to help people. Yes a nutritious diet is supportive.

But if you are feeling that you SHOULD do or MUST then it is a moment to pause.

Over these last months (& months) things have been going on in my family that have needed my extra help, involvement and care. It's improving slowly but it has been a lot - practically & emotionally. A heavy, tricky, worrying and frustrating time.

I have gone to the gym.

I have eaten well.

I have taken care of myself - with naps, meditations, sharing my feelings with friends and my partner.

I have journaled and cried (& yelled into pillows).

None of this has stopped me also feeling overwhelmed or miserable or furious or shouty or weepy or bad. It hasn't stopped my inner-critic from creeping around in my head, making it all worse.

But it has probably stopped me from crashing into burnout. Or the depressions that used to grab me. Or anxiety peaking too much.

The thing I have noticed most is that my structure and plans have been there but they have shifted and adjusted - some days I thought I would go for a walk but I was too tired and just lay down and slept for 20 minutes. I have made some good meals but I've eaten plenty of cereal lunches or random freezer meals (upon defrosting - hmmm, that's not what I thought it was) or pub dinners.

I just kept checking, "What's right for today?"

And offering myself some adjustments.

To be honest, some of it has made me laugh. I thought Grace Dent on Masterchef (and the crazy-eyed Irish chef) would offer me the perfect brainless, escape at the end of busy days. But it was too stressful! I have adjusted the most basic things - like collapsing on the sofa and watching TV - so that I can like down on my bed in dimlight on some evenings. My body told me absolute quiet was needed. TV wasn't relaxing, it was too much stimulation after a long day - utter peace was needed.

And that night was the one I actually slept well. A miracle in the heat-wave that held us tightly through May - August in the UK.

I'm not saying it's easy.

Our brains get in the way - our expectations, our judgements, our fixed values, our sense of who we should be and what we should do.

There's been some end of day wine drinking too. There have been shouty times. And low times. And upset and sensitive times. It's not been perfect. But overall, it's been better than it would have been in the past.

So, I offer you these 3 ideas to support you to keep resetting and listening to what you need to come through a tough time.

And in doing this we can thread our self-worth back in to our days (and evenings!).

If you feel in the grind of survival mode - I truly hope there is something for you here. Please let me know! Or share with me what you find helps - i would love to hear from you emily@emilymccoyshares.co.uk

Love,

Emily