You inner-critic - know it, to heal it

Hi, welcome back -or welcome here!

Here I am continuing a theme I've been writing on for a few months now - how to heal your inner-critic. How to change and soften that negative internal narrative, critical self-talk and beliefs that hold us back.

We can't avoid pain in life but so much mental and emotional suffering comes from our relationship with ourselves, that ongoing mental conversation.

If yours can be negative, critical, nasty, picking and undermining then please read on. This article (like all of them) comes from years working as a therapist and self-worth expert...also as a long-term self-hater in recovery.

Get to know your inner-critic, knowledge is power

Now, if you have an inner-critic, then I bet you think you already know EVERYTHING about it. Because isn't the inner-critic an experience of repeated self-criticism - the voice in your head that always says the same kinds of things, lists the same "failings", unacceptable qualities and broken parts over and over...

"Too fat, too old, disgusting"

"Weird and unwanted."

"Useless"

"Too sensitive, shy or boring"

"A stupid failure."

"Too much for anyone, drama and a burden"

Or any other combination of too much, not enoughness...

Whatever your critic says, my guess is that you have heard those words a thousand times over. So what could possibly be gained from paying more attention to this nasty, undermining, doubting, hurtful part of you? And won't it make us feel even worse to go there?

Why are you asking me to do this, Emily??

Well, because...

...details matter.

When we go into a flare up of the inner-critic, it feels awful. But it also feels familiar. Nothing your inner-critic says is probably new to you. The impact of this is that we don't reflect on the detail - we somehow accept that we've had a particularly nasty day in our heads and move on, hoping that tomorrow will be better. Totally understandable, but in doing this we miss vital information that can help us unlock change.

Let me give you a flavour of what I mean and walk you through a therapeutic process of enquiry and reflection.

Imagine a recent example, a time when the narrative in your head was really unkind. If you can, give yourself a moment or two to really get into the memory - notice where you are, what you are wearing, what has been happening in your day, how you are feeling, how you are sat or standing. Perhaps you can remember the emotions? You might get a sense of how it felt in your body when your critic was so loud - tension, heat, tears, clenched.

Breathe here for a moment or two.

Let your senses remember this time.

Now, press rewind.

Imagine that you could rewind from this moment a little, back into your day before the inner-critic really hit. You might notice things building up, creating more stress. Tiredness could be accumulating. Perhaps you haven't had a moment to yourself. There could have been a lot of worries...or a lot of noise around you or in your head...or a lack of support. Maybe you were having a tough day and feeling alone.

What was happening before? What was the lead up to your inner-critic flare?

Now, press fast forward

Go back into the moment you first imagined. See yourself as if you are a fly on the wall - not inside yourself, observing yourself.

What are you doing? Perhaps sat head in hands or pacing restlessly, or doom scrolling. Maybe you are sat quite still simply listing all the things you have messed up that day. You might be alone. In a silent room. Tensely hunched. Crying. Fists clenched.

Notice what you are not doing as much as what you are.

Pay attention - as if you were going to be asked to report back on what you saw there and what was going on for this past you.

You see, the thing is that us humans are creatures of habit and pattern. Our neural pathways keep us returning to the same behaviours, thoughts and feelings over and over - even when they hurt us. And often, this repetition means we aren't fully present in the experience - we are somewhat on automatic pilot.

The most crucial question here (if you truly want to heal your inner-critic) is:

What could I have done differently?

It doesn't have to be big. In fact, sometimes the more random the change the better. We are simply looking to mess with the system - the system of your inner-critic. We want the whole familiar, embedded, harmful system to be thrown off course.

You could begin by thinking about changes that might have helped to stop the critic even arriving (or maybe not being quite as vicious when it did)...

Changes to what happened before the flare, such as:

• Changing To Do lists/expectations for the day to allow less stress/more rest or slow pace

• Making sure you have had regular meals and no low blood sugar dips or energy crashes

• Asking for support with tasks, delegating or simply saying "not today" to decrease the load

• Told someone you were struggling, had a vent/off loaded and received some understanding

• Slowed down your day - not rushed right up until the last minute - acknowledged that it was a tough one and changed gears vs push on. Sometimes just walking more slowly helps (especially if you are commuting to London each day).

• Not gone straight to the location of your inner-critic flare - taken a different route, sat in the sitting room to chill first, drank a tea in the garden, stopped off at a park, read a book...

In the moment shifts

And what about in the very moment of your inner-critic flare, is it possible to make changes then? It certainly is harder to do but I think not impossible.

Try to see yourself as a grounded observer - for every detail you see, is there an alternative you could try?

• Sat with head in your hands? Stand up and move.

• In a silent room, caught up in your endless thoughts? Put on some music, voicenote yourself, say out loud, "I am in a flare of my inner-critic"

• In a particular room? Get up and move to another space.

• Feeling alone? Message someone, talk to another person if you can and if you can't journal and hear yourself. Don't stay stuck alone in that internal loop.

• Tired and sad? Eat a snack, do a 10 minute meditation - see what shifts.

• Tense? Hunched? Clenched? Move room, move your body, stretch it out. Express an intention to create change, "I am moving my body to move this state of being."

• Getting self-critical and frustrated that you are here again? Acknowledge this part. And perhaps another - the part that is reading this and working on change and healing..."I am in my inner-critic AND that makes me feel frustrated with myself and hopeless for change AND I acknowledge another part of me that is learning to grow and heal AND it is a process that is hard work and takes time... AND AND AND...see all parts of you.

And the last thing I want to offer you is this:

There will be a time in your healing journey where you can begin to see and hear, not just the inner-critic but the part of you being criticised. The inner-critic is not a part in isolation, it's not all of you (even if it feels like it is and is the loudest and most dominant).

What about the sad and vulnerable part? The forgotten and unseen. The overwhelmed and lost. The hurt and bruised. The part being criticised?

The one that always needed holding and understanding but didn't receive it. The one that the inner-critic is trying to navigate to safety and acceptance by shouting about the conditions that promise self-worth (but never deliver).

There's a profound moment in this journey to self-worth where we see, that to heal our inner-critic and to claim our worth, we must bring to ourselves what we always needed but did not get. And for most of us this starts with validation and acknowledgement,

"I see the part of me that is in pain here and I am starting to think about what this part needs."

This, my friends, is personal power.

When we can make sense of the unmet need under the critic, we are unlocking healing for ourselves.

And even though this is work we do on our inner-relationship, it is not work we need to do alone. In fact, it is often in a supportive relationship or community that we first learn how to support ourselves.

I hope this has offered you some threads to follow. And I would love to hear from you about anything that has felt meaningful.