The battle to "just let go"

Let go of what no longer serves you

Maybe it's just my Instagram, but Autumn always brings a lot of messaging around it being a time to "let go" - a call to release patterns, or versions of self that feel limiting or societal rules and expectations that keep you small. To let go of trauma and past impact. It's a lovely sentiment - to release these things, like the leaves falling from the trees. For change to blow through you and for what is hard to simply fall away.

However, I worry that this makes it all sound a bit easy. And like a gentle process. What I see in therapy (and what I have experienced in my own life) is that people often feel terribly stuck - returning over-and-over to behaviours or thought patterns or reactions and feelings that they know are from the past and only holding them back in their lives now. Letting go is far from easy - it can feel like a battle inside someone's head with "logical" brain pointing out what "should" happen now (the right path, the healthy option) and another feels this kind of change is basically impossible.

I am often sat opposite someone wrestling with frustration, despondency or self-criticism saying, "Why can't I just make this change...why can't I just let go of this? I know what I need to do but I can't go there." Therapy can feel like a real wrestle - fighting what feels "right" but harmful so that someone can move, even a little, towards what their brain says is wrong but they know is needed.

It can be tough - work that means digging deep.

In sessions we might explore what can feel like an internal battleground of conflicting feelings, thoughts and voices. We often notice how much push back there is inside to what changes that logic might say are simple and right. These are common expressions of internal resistance:

"

I don't deserve that.

I feel tense, uncomfortable.

It won't work out for me.

I feel nauseous and fidgety.

It's not right for me to have that.

I feel sad and tearful, seeing how hard this is for me.

I don't know how to begin - it's too big a change.

I am hopeless and despairing.

I feel heavy.

I am so frustrated with myself. It's obvious what I need to do. Why can't I just do it?

It's not right for me, it's ok for other people, but not me.

What will people think if I do it differently?

I feel lost.

How will I ever move forward?

"

Often it's far from easy to make changes in ourselves and in our lives. And this is especially true for any patterns established in childhood, in response to situations that were scary, stressful or overwhelming back then. Any reaction or response that helped you cope or survive or feel safer or less vulnerable - these are especially tricky to change.

My automatic responses that I have worked on over the years include:

• Being "the diplomat" - silencing my feelings and operating from compliance when I feel scared

• Speeding up tasks vs. slowing down/taking care of myself when I feel stressed, anxious or overwhelmed

• Becoming "the good girl" - highly productive, overachiever as a means of seeking validation rather than believing I already have worth

• Ignoring things that caused me pain to hold onto sources of love, care or validation

• Falling into internal criticism, low mood and depression due to burnout and childhood experiences

It's easy to be frustrated with things in the present. To only see all the hardship that these patterns, thoughts and ways of living create in our lives...

...but we need to understand the present through the lens of the past.

In my book, I wrote a section called,

Your brain doesn't care if you are happy

because the neural pathways (that are the foundation for all we do, feel and think) are the most firmly laid down in times of stress or pain or trauma. If you came out of those situations alive (which I am guessing you did, as you are here) then those same reactions are a survival success story- you did that thing, you reacted that way, you felt that inside in that difficult moment? Great, that got you out alive. Let's hardwire that response in for any similar moments in the future. In simple terms, that's the model your brain is working on.

It is absolutely possible to change. My job would be utterly depressing if it wasn't...and it's actually the best job in the world, in my humble opinion.

The brain has plasticity, it can develop and grow new neural pathways at any age. Yes, growth and change is most rapid at 0-3 years and in a teenage brain but it always has the capacity to develop and evolve. It's a wonderful healing organ.

But maybe, it is also true to say that change can take time. And that ideas of it arriving with the ease of a leaf drifting from a tree might not always be helpful. In fact, I worry that, if we don't acknowledge the reality of this internal struggle, that many people will feel shame around how hard they find it.

What would you like to let go of?

As we move through this Claim You, I wonder if you can hold in mind some part of you (your life, your thinking, how you live, a feeling you regularly have) that you would like to let go of. Something you wish was around less...

I feel that most people know what is getting in their way and what they would feel happier without, or perhaps have more peace, if this part of them was around less...What is it for you? What do you feel stuck in? What do you get frustrated with yourself about?

A few things I believe about making change...

You only get surface change by forcing

To get deep change and change patterns we need to explore ourselves with understanding and increasing acceptance - to be more with who we are now rather than trying to prematurely force change. If you are interested in this then read a bit more on the Paradoxical Nature of Change theory.

Rather than investing energy into the old ways, by arguing with them and battling ourselves, can we move our attention?

A garden metaphor is often helpful in therapy and here we could use it by imagining that I have bought a house with a garden full of junk and rocks and poor soil. I absolutely could spend every minute trying to dig all the crap up, and certainly having a good view of all the work needed helps to plan...but if I want a garden to enjoy might I start growing a rose in a pot here, right now? Or clear one small bed for those herbs I love? Are there meaningful (even is they are small) changes I can make right now, alongside the old? Changes which are about building towards the change I want and need.

Resistance is a message

Imagine a hand, gripping onto something...and another person trying to prise open their tightly held grasp. We might wonder what is the value of the thing inside the hand and why that person is holding onto it with such effort.

The same with change - is there are a value to the part of you, that you want to change, even if it does make your life hard. What might it mean to imagine taking it forward with you, in some way? Does that part of you have a message about what you need and do you need to consider this before you can release your grip?

Instead of trying to force open the hand, what other approach would support an opening to begin...and can this guide you? Remember my Velvet Prison idea here that I have spoken about before - there is often a quality to our stuck ways that feels familiar, safe, known. Understanding this can help point you towards the conditions you need for change to unfold.

Resourcing for release

Which brings me onto this - don't try to make change happen when you are in a really bad place - super anxious or grieving or stressed or sick. Sure, that's when all the old habits and ways emerge and get loud. But it's also when you are the least resourced (and possibly also in an activated fight/flight reaction response) to make change. It can help to sit down when things are a bit calmer and reflect. And to find some achievable steps for the next time...but coming to this when you are not sick or under-slept or in a total meltdown, is probably a good idea.

You can't grow a beautiful plant in poor soil

Popping back to the garden metaphor for a minute, it might be that you are struggling to make a change because the environment you are in isn't a healthy one. You might notice that you generally feel ok, only for a pattern or feeling to emerge when you are with a specific person on in a specific place. Notice this. If you have to armour up in order to be alright, or find yourself returning to old habits or unhealthy cycles, in a particular relationship or scenario perhaps ask yourself if the change you seek is really within you...

So, is the Autumn "letting go" message utter nonsense?

No, I don't think it is. I just think it's regularly made too simple and risks shaming people. But I do think the trees hold a bit of seasonal wisdom for us.

If we really pay attention, the leaves fall not because the tree shakes them off but because the tree moves it's flow of nutrients, water and effort from up and out (growth, branches, twigs, fruits - the summer vibes) to inwards and downwards (trunk, roots, earth - anchoring through winter). It's like the tree moves its attention and energy, and so the trees slowly wither and we see them drifting away...

I have shared some thoughts on this on Instagram (so if you are interested in more detail then you can find it there or email me...) but I wonder what change would naturally come for you if you connected to,

What feels rooting for me?

I'll leave you with a few points for inspiration, but I think this is most powerfully an invitation for you to turn your attention inward and to get curious about what feeling more connected to roots would bring you, in your life right now. And if that feels supportive for you this season.

Some ideas:

• Surviving storms - roots steady the tree through all weathers, do you need to feel more anchored, safe or secure? What brings you more certainty or support?

• A call for connection - roots are networks of communication, is healing about more community, care or conversation? Do you need more people in your life vs feeling you must do it alone.

• Being open to receive - roots are channels to draw in what is needed. Do you need to shift from being the giver? What would feel nutritious or nurturing for you to draw in and receive?

• Being the caretaker of your body - what would it mean to invest more in your trunk? To listen to calls for rest, slowing down or to give more attention to your health?

• Returning to core - have you got out of step with what matters to you? Have you lost interests or hobbies? Maybe you need time to find out what your values or purpose might hold.

• The power of roots - perhaps change is about understanding family lines - things passed down, inter-generational patterns or the history of your line. Or maybe healing is about wisdom from older traditions.

  
  

However you feel about Autumn, I hope this Claim You has offered you something. And if you have felt its value, please do pass my details on to someone else - the sign up link for this email (and my other platforms) is below. Thank you!